i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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