Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
