you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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