I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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