I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
