That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
