the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
