So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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