i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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