butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
