3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
