i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
