I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
