I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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