I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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