the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize