Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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