I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
