if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
