So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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