in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
