never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
