onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
