Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
