You're so nebulous sometimes
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You may now shotgun with the bride
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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