I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
