Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
