How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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