Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
