do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
