Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
