Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
