I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
