he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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