dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Randomize
