1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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