woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm just crazy horny about you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
