New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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