PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
