did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
