i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
50% drunk capacity currently
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
