if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
