finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
