By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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