pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
