I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
