I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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