Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
