i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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