I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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